Monday, May 26, 2008

Sometimes it's just all too much, ya know?

Sometimes I just really want to throw in the towel. Not forever, just for like a week or two. Just a break from everything. Jump into a different life for awhile. A little vacation from my own life. And perhaps get a temp in while I'm away. And when I return my life will be more organized then when I left it. Thanks Janet! Thanks for all your hard work while I was gone. I can see that you really made an effort to keep up with everything.

I know I can deal with it all, but there are times when I just don't fucking want to. It's not easy trying to be "strong" all the time. Things could be worse, I realize that. And I do have the power to change my attitude, and make it easier on myself. But I don't want to. So there. Neener-Neener! Go ahead, try to make me a better person, I dare you! Cause it ain't happenin', at least not this week.

I'm enjoying myself in self pity land. It's quite nice here. Pictures of me in happier times all over the walls. Tissues and cigarettes to calm the beast. Grumpy voices repeating the same thing over and over in my head: "This is hard. You can't handle all this. Just give up." But instead of giving up, I'm giving in. For now. Giving in to the fact that I am in desperate need of a life.

Something to live for besides Paul. My time is spend either with him or waiting for him to come home. How sad is that? You don't know how tempted I am to delete that sentence. It's a pathetic thing to say. But it's the truth.

With school out of the picture and nothing but shitty office jobs in my near future, I'm feeling aimless. I consider myself to be a goal orientated person. And I'm goalless now. Except for the fact that I have to find a job very soon, as we're running out of money. But what kind of a goal is answering phones? Or filing? Depressing, that's what it is. Down right depressing.

Maybe it's the weather making me feel this way. It's yet another cold and rainy English day. I'm alone, as usual. Stuck in the house. I took the dog for a walk, but she wouldn't budge. It was either drag her through the streets or carry her. Perhaps she's in a bad mood as well.

If I watch another episode of Scrubs I'm going to shoot myself in the face. TV is of no comfort. Not even cable TV. If I have another cup of coffee my head will explode. What I wouldn't give to be playing Clue with my sisters, or out shopping with Jenn.

For an anglophile such as myself, living in England is a bit like working in Disneyland. You think "Oh boy! I work at Disneyland! This great!" But after awhile you just want to punch Mickey in the neck. Because even though I'm in this amazing country, which I've dreamt of living in ever since my Pops and I watched The Young Ones when I was like 10, I still have all the problems of everyday life. Its not like I walk out the door and think "I can't believe I'm here!", at least not any more. I walk out the door and think "Fantastic, the dog just took a crap on the side walk and I don't have a baggie, and oh look I just missed my bus." I tend to forget about the fact that I'm living in Europe and that's pretty freakin' cool. But life goes on no matter where you are. You own your problems even in Europe.

I miss everyone so much. I love being here, but I have so much heavy shit I have to deal with, which I won't go into cause you never know who's reading...

So to make me feel better I'm going to post pictures of my stubborn ass dog. Who, by the way is teething. WTF? How did I go my whole life not knowing that dogs lose their baby (puppy?) teeth? I keep looking for them in the carpet, but so far I can't find even one. Where are they? And since she's lost her two front bottom teeth, her tongue hangs out all the time. It's crazy cute. Check out the middle picture, and if that ain't the cutest thing you've ever seen then you have no soul.

Oh Bee-Bee! I swear she keeps me from going crackers. If I didn't have her I would feel a thousand times more lonely. She gets me out of the house and makes me laugh everyday. She wants nothing more than to sit in my lap and chew on my hoodie.

I know things will get better and I'll look back and think about what a sad sack of shit I was being, but until then I will blog my blues away.

Here's some random shots from random English towns we have visited. This is Stratford-Upon-Avon. Home of William Shakespeare and one of my all time favorite place to visit by train:

Bean has what we refer to as a "hair willy", which you will notice is quite prominent in this photo

Beanie's first boat ride, you can tell how excited she is

Beanie's first train ride, she looks like she might wee herself

I just love mega old English churches! The smell is incredible!

Apparently the cushions are for kneeling. I thought they would be for sitting on to save your ass from those wooden seats.

This is the roller coaster we went on at Drayton Manor theme park. We were there for Maria's birthday.

This is how we felt afterwards

No matter which theme park or fair ground you go to, they always have one of these boat rides.

The nauseated couple

Maria and I got soaked on this one! But I just love a good water ride

This one was called The Apocalypse. If you look close you see a few feets danglin'. It's one of those rides where they take straight up, like 20 stories and then drop you. It took me about 3 hours to convince Maria to go on it. But after she did, we went on it 4 times. I couldn't keep my eyes open until the fourth time. It was intense.

Ya know what? I'm feeling so much better! I posted those photos and it really put things in perspective for me. I blogged my way to happiness!


judyette said...

cool one of you and maria coming off the roller coaster!! two beautiful girls, for sure!!!
i love you in all your bloggin glory!!! :) :) real mum

Jina said...

Sorry to hear that you were feeling upset=[. We all miss playing Clue with you too. There's got to be some way to play it over the internet. If nothing else, we can set a certain time and we can all watch the clue movie at once so it's like we're watching it together.

Hope you start feeling better. Hot chocolate with marshmallows sometimes helps.=]

Anonymous said...

Babe - Come home. Even just for a bit. You can stay with me. We are long overdue. I need you; you need me. Please, come home. I can't spend anymore time dreaming up different lives for each of the Clue characters without you. I have all of their back grounds planned, but need your approval. This sucks. I can't pretend anymore. Fuck being strong right this second. Let's get drunk at noon, smoke ciggies and bemoan our wifeless days. Need you; miss you! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Malia said...

So jealous! That is the greatest looking theme park! :O
And Beans is getting freakin' adorable, hair willy and all!
Totally thought of you when I read this, Tyra should be onto this!