Sometimes it's just all too much, ya know?

Sometimes I just really want to throw in the towel. Not forever, just for like a week or two. Just a break from everything. Jump into a different life for awhile. A little vacation from my own life. And perhaps get a temp in while I'm away. And when I return my life will be more organized then when I left it. Thanks Janet! Thanks for all your hard work while I was gone. I can see that you really made an effort to keep up with everything.

I know I can deal with it all, but there are times when I just don't fucking want to. It's not easy trying to be "strong" all the time. Things could be worse, I realize that. And I do have the power to change my attitude, and make it easier on myself. But I don't want to. So there. Neener-Neener! Go ahead, try to make me a better person, I dare you! Cause it ain't happenin', at least not this week.

I'm enjoying myself in self pity land. It's quite nice here. Pictures of me in happier times all over the walls. Tissues and cigarettes to calm the beast. Grumpy voices repeating the same thing over and over in my head: "This is hard. You can't handle all this. Just give up." But instead of giving up, I'm giving in. For now. Giving in to the fact that I am in desperate need of a life.

Something to live for besides Paul. My time is spend either with him or waiting for him to come home. How sad is that? You don't know how tempted I am to delete that sentence. It's a pathetic thing to say. But it's the truth.

With school out of the picture and nothing but shitty office jobs in my near future, I'm feeling aimless. I consider myself to be a goal orientated person. And I'm goalless now. Except for the fact that I have to find a job very soon, as we're running out of money. But what kind of a goal is answering phones? Or filing? Depressing, that's what it is. Down right depressing.

Maybe it's the weather making me feel this way. It's yet another cold and rainy English day. I'm alone, as usual. Stuck in the house. I took the dog for a walk, but she wouldn't budge. It was either drag her through the streets or carry her. Perhaps she's in a bad mood as well.

If I watch another episode of Scrubs I'm going to shoot myself in the face. TV is of no comfort. Not even cable TV. If I have another cup of coffee my head will explode. What I wouldn't give to be playing Clue with my sisters, or out shopping with Jenn.

For an anglophile such as myself, living in England is a bit like working in Disneyland. You think "Oh boy! I work at Disneyland! This great!" But after awhile you just want to punch Mickey in the neck. Because even though I'm in this amazing country, which I've dreamt of living in ever since my Pops and I watched The Young Ones when I was like 10, I still have all the problems of everyday life. Its not like I walk out the door and think "I can't believe I'm here!", at least not any more. I walk out the door and think "Fantastic, the dog just took a crap on the side walk and I don't have a baggie, and oh look I just missed my bus." I tend to forget about the fact that I'm living in Europe and that's pretty freakin' cool. But life goes on no matter where you are. You own your problems even in Europe.

I miss everyone so much. I love being here, but I have so much heavy shit I have to deal with, which I won't go into cause you never know who's reading...

So to make me feel better I'm going to post pictures of my stubborn ass dog. Who, by the way is teething. WTF? How did I go my whole life not knowing that dogs lose their baby (puppy?) teeth? I keep looking for them in the carpet, but so far I can't find even one. Where are they? And since she's lost her two front bottom teeth, her tongue hangs out all the time. It's crazy cute. Check out the middle picture, and if that ain't the cutest thing you've ever seen then you have no soul.





Oh Bee-Bee! I swear she keeps me from going crackers. If I didn't have her I would feel a thousand times more lonely. She gets me out of the house and makes me laugh everyday. She wants nothing more than to sit in my lap and chew on my hoodie.

I know things will get better and I'll look back and think about what a sad sack of shit I was being, but until then I will blog my blues away.

Here's some random shots from random English towns we have visited. This is Stratford-Upon-Avon. Home of William Shakespeare and one of my all time favorite place to visit by train:

Bean has what we refer to as a "hair willy", which you will notice is quite prominent in this photo

Beanie's first boat ride, you can tell how excited she is


Beanie's first train ride, she looks like she might wee herself


I just love mega old English churches! The smell is incredible!



Apparently the cushions are for kneeling. I thought they would be for sitting on to save your ass from those wooden seats.





This is the roller coaster we went on at Drayton Manor theme park. We were there for Maria's birthday.


This is how we felt afterwards

No matter which theme park or fair ground you go to, they always have one of these boat rides.


The nauseated couple

Maria and I got soaked on this one! But I just love a good water ride

This one was called The Apocalypse. If you look close you see a few feets danglin'. It's one of those rides where they take straight up, like 20 stories and then drop you. It took me about 3 hours to convince Maria to go on it. But after she did, we went on it 4 times. I couldn't keep my eyes open until the fourth time. It was intense.

Ya know what? I'm feeling so much better! I posted those photos and it really put things in perspective for me. I blogged my way to happiness!

I truly rock.

Why, you may ask. For the simple fact that I got into school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited about the whole thing my head feels like it may explode. I can't tell you how long I've fantasised about going to a real university (sorry P.C.C.) to study photography. No, wait. I can. Since I was 17. I never really thought it would happen, there just aren't that many places in Oregon you can get a degree in photography. I must admit, it does take the sting out of moving so far away.

But there's a catch. There is absolutely no way in hell I can pay for it. I mean not a chance, no way, no how. In order to hold my place they need £1,000 in the next 14 days. Which we don't have. We could borrow it, but then what do we do when December rolls around and they want the rest of their £9,00o?

I've been looking into funding but, of course, there's a catch there too. As an international student you have to apply for funding from your home country and at least one year in advance of your start date. Shit! I can feel the dream slipping away. So I went to the school yesterday and talked with many folks about my situation. I can get on their "Fund Finder" computer and look to see if any money is left anywhere for people like me. But a lot of the money out there for 2008 has been scooped up already, as I have left it a bit late.

So now what do I do? You can defer your position for a year, but that won't really help me. I could get a loan from the bank but would only end up spending more money, and I'm already uncomfortable dealing with the amount of money I would be spending. If you add everything up (materials, equipment, etc.) It would be closer to £10,000 (or $20,000) and that's a down payment on a house, every year! I can't tax us financially to that degree. We both have other things we want to accomplish. Paul wants to start a business, we want to buy a house, have a kid or two. I'm the poster child for going to college when your young!

But all hope is not lost. I always have the option of waiting for 3 years and then I would qualify for home fees. Not only would I be spending a mere £3,000 a year on college, I would also qualify for all the amazing grants, scholarships, charitable trusts and "Aw hell, just take the money!" that they have here in the UK. I would also have plenty of time to save up money, look into funding and totally prepare myself and Paul for me to go back to school. I just hope they like me in three years as much as they like me now and let me in again!

If I'm being honest, I am gutted. I'm crushed that I can't start in September. But I am so very proud of myself for getting in. That's the prevailing feeling. I'm lucky to have so many friends and family that supported me through this process. Let's do it all again in a few years!

In the meantime I will deliver some photographic essays about life in England, just to keep my skills sharp.

As most of you know, Paul does 90% of the cooking in our house and I do most of the cleaning. But I've been looking for excuses to get that man in the bathroom to clean up his own bad aim. So with no job and tons of free time, I've been trying to teach myself how to cook. One of my first projects was onion soup. The recipe looked dead easy and I was excited to get started.

Any cook will tell you that preparation is key

Step one: Cut up all the onions you have in the house. I used one red onion, one small yellow onion, one massive yellow onion and one spring onion.



Step two: add one washed and chopped leek

Step three: in a thick bottomed pan add butter, olive oil, sage and garlic. Then add your onions and leeks. And cook the shit outta them, for like an hour. After that add your chicken stock (which I must point out was home made by Mr. Paul himself)


Step four: with a crusty baguette and some sharp cheddar make a few pieces of cheesy toast.

We sat down with our big bowls of onion soup and I was so excited! And then I took a bite and remembered...I hate onions. But if you like onions, here's the real recipe.